Discussions about sex are naturally uncomfortable. While most parents prefer a one-time discussion, conversations about sex should be ongoing and open-ended. Knowing how to get things started in the first place and what to avoid saying can help you maintain an open line of communication with your teen. This way, they will be more likely to come to you when they need clarity or guidance on sex and sexuality.
Start the Conversation Early and Keep It Going
Conversations about sex should start early. Children need to learn about appropriate touch, self-respect and respect for other people’s boundaries. Talking early and often about these topics will make it easier to broach more challenging issues as they enter adolescence. For most teens, it’s better to have ongoing conversations about sex and sexuality than to have “the talk” before a big event, like prom night. By communicating early and often, they will be more receptive to what you have to say and less likely to heed your words as “controlling.”
Get Comfortable Discussing the Facts
Everyone has a different comfort level when it comes to talking about sex. It’s okay to acknowledge that these discussions may be awkward. However, the more comfortable you can become with discussing sexuality, the easier it will be for both of you. While younger children just need the basic facts, adolescents must prepare for the physical and emotional changes they’ll soon experience.
Although discussing these issues with your child is important, you must also be honest with yourself and what is emotionally healthy for you to discuss. If your own sexual history involves difficult situations or decisions you regret, your discussions may be more complicated. Talk about what you can, and don’t feel forced to delve into topics that are too painful for you to discuss. Remember, you can have other trusted adults in your social network (such as your partner, grandparents or other close friends) talk to your teen about topics that are emotionally difficult for you to discuss.
Explain the Values of Healthy Sexuality
Between the media, smartphones and tablets, there is no shortage of places your teen can learn about sex, puberty and development. Make sure that they are getting the right information from you. If you avoid these conversations, they will pick up their values from the internet, television and peers. In the worst cases, they will shape their values through watching pornography, which is full of harmful and unrealistic depictions of sexuality. It’s important that teens get their information from parents who can present it in a way that is accurate and from a place of care and concern.
Keep the Conversations General and Talk About Safety
While teens may value their parents’ guidance, they also tend to shut down if they feel they are prying into their personal business. This information is critical when it comes to shaping conversations about sexuality and sex, which, without a doubt, can feel extremely personal. For this reason, it’s best to avoid talking about any specific relationships or your teen’s sexual behaviors.
Teenagers understand that their parent’s role is to keep them safe, and emotional safety is just as important as physical safety. While discussing sex, make sure to also discuss the values of self-respect and mutual respect for others. Talk about what boundaries and personal limits are. In addition, you should also discuss the importance of listening to other people’s spoken and unspoken signals to avoid infringing on their boundaries, too.
Listen to What Your Teen Has To Say
When you have conversations about sex with your teen, actually listen to what they have to say. The more they feel comfortable to confide in you, the more you can guide them towards appropriate solutions regarding sex and sexuality. Listening to them and refraining from judgment will make them more likely to open up. Encourage them to talk, and be sure to ask them what they may already know about the specific topic. Remain factual in your responses, and if they ask a question you’re not prepared to answer, let them know you’ll work towards finding out the correct information and follow up later.
Don’t Assume Anything About Your Teen
Many parents assume that because kids seem to grow up quicker nowadays, their teens have already heard it all or know everything there is to know. However, when you assume they know too much, you possibly forget to discuss vital information. By beginning with bodily functions and that sex can be a foundation for a healthy and loving relationship, they will be more prepared if they encounter more manipulative or exploitative relationships.
Just because your teen has a specific question about sex, it doesn’t mean they’re doing it. Teenagers are curious and may ask questions because they have heard something from a peer. When your teen comes to you, it’s because they are seeking trustworthy and accurate information. Approach these topics carefully and ask them what they may have heard so you have a better understanding of what they already know.
Use the Media To Jumpstart Discussions
Sex is everywhere in the media. While that can be problematic, it also provides you with opportunities to have meaningful discussions about sexuality. Television shows and movies can provide an excellent opening for these discussions because the storylines don’t involve people they know. Whether the topic is romantic attraction, LGBTQ issues, breakups, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases or puberty, you can use these opportunities to help you talk with your teens.
Whatever you do, don’t resort to judgementally lecturing your teen about their own sexuality or behavior. When you resort to emotionally driven lectures, the lines of communication break down, and you can push them toward the behaviors you fear.
A study from the Journal of Adolescent Research found that teenagers say that their parents influence their decisions regarding sex more than their peers or anyone else. However, this is only true if parents talk to them without judgment. As tough as it can be, having honest, open conversations with your teens about sexuality can help you shape them into well-adjusted adults who will eventually be prepared to enter into healthy relationships.
