Recently, my daughter has been having some get together at our home. The first was a delightful (and boisterous) Friendsgiving celebration. About 15 friends, most of whom live within walking distance, came over and brought all kinds of Thanksgiving dishes. For most of the night, I hung out in my room, watching shows on my laptop, and letting the teens have their very noisy fun. But, they, and their parents (at least, the one who inquired, knew I was there).
The party was so much fun that for her fifteenth birthday, she asked if she could have people over again. I agreed, though this time, I thought about getting out of the house for a bit. To be honest, sitting in my room all night is boring, but our home is small and there isn’t really anywhere else to go when the living room is packed with teenagers.
Ultimately, I decided just to hang out. It was cold, and I had no plans. Plus, I wondered if parents would be angry that I had left, even for a short time. A few had reached out to inquire if I would be there. So, instead of taking myself out for a bite to eat, I posted up once again. Throughout the evening, a few teens came in to say hi, pet the dog who was hanging out on my bed, and bring me a slice of cake and other treats.
My night was lowkey lame. But, I also had the pleasure of overhearing bits of gossip, a lot of laughter, and a late-night truth-telling game between teen girls and boys that brought back floods of memories.
Overall, it’s nice to have a house filled with kids having fun, even though at some points in the evening, they were very loud. Still, for the most part, they cleaned up after themselves, were warm and friendly, and gave my daughter a great birthday. Of course, she’s already asking when she can have people over again. And, an epic Super Bowl party idea was pitched.
The truth is, I’m happy to have kids at my house. But, especially as my daughter gets older, I don’t exactly feel the need to babysit every time she has guests at our home. My daughter is fairly responsible and doesn’t make a habit of lying to me. In fact, she’s honest to a fault, even giving me too-much-information from time to time. That being said, she hasn’t broken my trust and therefore, I don’t want to treat her like she isn’t trustworthy.
At 15, I remember countless evenings hanging out at friends’ homes without a parent in sight (and, given there weren’t cell phones back then, they weren’t exactly a phone call away, either). However, these days, parents do things a little differently. While I’m comfortable with my daughter being at our home with friends, even a big group of friends, I seem to be in the minority. Whether 12 or 17, I know many parents who would never leave their kids home with a group of friends because, well, something bad could happen.
I get that something bad could happen. Kids could think it’s a good idea to snag some booze from their parents house, or go play “Hey, Mister” to get a bottle of vodka. Everyone could start smoking pot, play truth or dare or seven minutes in heaven.
I know this is really controversial to say, and I’m personally loving the fact that these situations haven’t happened yet, but they are somewhat normal rites of passage. Teenagers, at some point, will try alcohol or pass around a joint or even, gasp, makeout. Maybe it’s because I was a very unruly teen who no one could’ve stopped from doing all of those things and worse, and lived to tell the tales, that I’m not terrified of those experiments.
I am, like all parents, worried about something terrible happening—like kids overdosing on fentanyl-laced drugs, or getting alcohol poisoning, or something sexual happening without their consent. And that’s why we talk openly about sex, drugs, alcohol and well, everything frequently. A cigarette. A joint. A beer. Call me crazy and irresponsible, but newsflash: most kids are going to try these things and it doesn’t necessarily mean the worst is coming for them. It’s also, no matter how closely you watch your teenagers, not really in our control.
Personally, I’d rather arm my kids with information, and trust, so they know they can call me if they are even in need, no matter what, then feel the need to watch them every second. Teenagers aren’t angels, but they aren’t villains either. And sometimes, they just want the opportunity to hang out with friends without a parent watching like a hawk. They want an appropriate amount of freedom, and sometimes, it feels like the world has gotten so overprotective that it’s taken that from them almost entirely.
I’d like to see it come back. So, the next time my daughter has a gathering, if I decide my night would be better spent slipping out to grab a bite to eat or catch a movie and getting home by, likely, no later than 9 o’clock, I’m going to do it and not feel guilty about it. And when parents inquire to make sure I’ll be home, I’ll tell them the truth. “Nope, I’m going out!” And I will completely understand if they aren’t comfortable.
The morning after her party, knowing the birthday blues might be setting in, I said, “Your birthday is done but your heart should be full.” And, I knew she was really happy that the night had been such a blast, and that people were already asking if she could host again soon. “It is. It really is,” she replied, having had the best night filled with tons of laughs, dancing, and truth-telling.
For me, having a kid who is surrounded by good company, in her own home, and getting to experience age-appropriate freedom is worth so much. It’s worth trusting her, and it’s even worth the risk that she will make mistakes. Either way, I am always just a text or a phone call away.
