Losing your temper with your teen happens—what you do next can make all the difference.
Even the most calm, cool, or weirdly blissed-out parents lose their cool from time to time. It’s one of the most surprising (and maybe difficult, depending on your level of patience) parts of parenting: how kids can so easily grind your gears. But when it comes to parenting teens, who you may feel should know better, tensions can escalate quickly. Before you know it, you’re pulling over on the way to school and throwing your teen child out of the car and telling them you’re done with the attitude (okay, I only did that one time).
Exploding on your kid, whether they did something really awful or you just overreacted in a moment of anger — your own sort of stress-induced parental temper tantrum (it happens!) — you’ll likely still feel downright awful after. And the sadness you inevitably feel after yelling at your kid, even when they’re a teenager, is almost never worth the momentary release.
More than likely, you’ll be saddled with guilt for the entire rest of the day, or even longer. The guilt is a good thing — your brain’s natural response to knowing that you crossed the line and that you can’t take back the way you acted or the things you said. Still, it’s important to keep the situation in perspective. You’re far from alone. Most parents, even the very best ones, lose their temper once in a while. And most experts agree that it’s what you do next that matters the most.
Here’s how to move forward after you’ve lost your temper:
1. Take a breath and fully calm down
It’s a lot easier to see situations clearly when you come back to baseline. When you’ve fully calmed down, and have a better perspective, take a few moments to think about what went wrong. How did things escalate? Were you overreacting due to stress or a pattern of unpleasant behavior from your teen? Get a solid grip on the situation, and allow your teen space to do the same before talking it out.
2. Admit fault and apologize (sooner, rather than later)
Apologizing for losing your temper can be tough, but it’s necessary when it comes to your teen being able to trust you. Maryland-based nature therapist Nathalie Savell, who specializes in family therapy, says it can be a challenge, especially if your parents never apologized to you. “If you didn’t grow up with apologizing, chances are it will likely feel super foreign and maybe even bad, but making the effort to say the words,” she tells With Teens.
“Even if in the moment they get a negative reaction from your teen, you can still trust that it does matter,” Savell adds. “And it does have an impact.” The sooner you can apologize, the better. That way your child won’t have to sit stewing in their own anger and sadness. Just make sure you wait until you are fully calm first.
3. Make a plan for how to do better next time
Understanding how things escalated can help you prevent the same situation from happening again. But first you need to have a really clear picture of where you went wrong, and perhaps, where your teen did. Hashing out the details, letting them know what triggered you to get so upset, or maybe vice versa, can help you form a plan to do better next time.
Savell says that, even if you’ve had a pattern of losing your cool, you can change the dynamic. “It’s never too late to cultivate a healthy, respectful relationship,” she says. “The more mutual respect you can cultivate, the more your teen will come to you with problems and listen to your guidance.” Given that’s exactly what most parents hope their teens will do — come to them in a time of confusion or need — working through conflicts in a productive way is deeply important.
4. Seek support if you need it
Parents don’t always have the tools built-in to teach themselves how to deescalate a situation with their teen. That means that reacting out of anger can become a knee-jerk response, and one that isn’t always called for. If you think you need assistance, going to therapy on your own, or even together with your teen, can help you both talk about how you feel in moments where things get too heated and out of control. Your teen needs a voice, too, and letting them know you care about how you make them feel can go a long way.
Also, check out the Calm Parenting Podcast for ideas on how to move through the difficult moments more peacefully.
