I’m a single parent to a teen and pre-teen, and, of course, it has its challenges. For one, parenting older kids means a lot more expenses. Not only do they start asking for money more often so they can go meet friends at the mall or get their frappuccinos and mochas, they also have very real needs that are costly — like big kid clothing, more groceries than ever, and hello, car insurance.
Still, while solo parenting teens isn’t all gravy, it gets a bit of a bad name. I personally really enjoy parenting my almost 15 and 10-year-old on my own. Somehow, maybe because there’s not a man living in my house who I don’t exactly get along with, it’s a lot easier to cherish the good parts as a solo parent.
While there’s no one to roll my eyes at in the kitchen when my kids are mouthy, talk about the hard days with, and no one to back me up when I’m attempting to be stern, I also get to soak in all the joys. Every good moment belongs to just me and my kids. I don’t have to share. And I love that.
I’ve been divorced for seven years, so it’s hard to imagine parenting any other way at this point. But, given there’s no other adult in the house for me to talk to or spend time with, all my time (when my kids are with me) is spent with them. That means that we feel close to one another, both emotionally and… in proximity (this is a small house). We spend time making dinners together, watching movies, talking, or running errands. And when we go on vacation, it’s just us, too.
Not only are we together a lot, but I get to make all of the decisions about my home, which is pretty important to me when it comes to raising older kids. I remember my pre-teen and teen years fairly well — how tough and confusing they felt at times. I remember the frustrations with my parents, feeling misunderstood, and often angry. Sometimes, it may make me a bit too easygoing with my kids. But it also makes me an empathetic mom who doesn’t assume the worst of them. And that pays off.
My kids appreciate not feeling like I’m out to get them or like they can’t be honest with me. Instead, they come to me and tell me when they majorly screw up. They ask for my advice. They don’t hide their mistakes. Truly, at their ages, that feels so immensely important. Of course, it feels important to me to know they aren’t hiding things from me. But I know it’s important to them, too, because they don’t feel like they have to. They know they’re allowed to be human.
If there was another parent in my house that I was trying to appease, I’m not sure I’d be able to be my authentic self as a parent to my kids at this stage, though. I’d be trying to compromise my views on discipline and punishment. As a couple, we’d be a team — an us versus them dynamic. Certainly, that might be helpful at times. But in being a part of that team effort, I feel like the deep trust my kids and I have between each other might not be there. At least, not in the way that it is now.
Instead, I can trust that they are doing the best they can, and I don’t have to revert to parenting techniques I don’t want to use, or second-guess my kids because my spouse doesn’t see things the same way. I can be their support system, and their ally in a way that feels right to me and only me. There is no one else here to tell me it’s wrong.
I know there are a lot of great parents out there who are partners, and absolutely slay parenting as a team. It could’ve been because my ex-husband and I simply weren’t as aligned on how we wanted to parent as I thought we were. It could be because I’m stubborn when I think I know what’s best for my kids, or because I struggled a lot with my emotional health when I was young, and now, as a parent of old kids, that knowledge is my superpower. Either way, I know that parenting solo at this stage of the game is good for me, and it’s good for my kids.
This week, my daughter asked me if she could host a giant Friendsgiving party at our home. I didn’t hesitate to say “of course!” and we spent the afternoon cleaning up the yard and making the garage (the teen hang zone) cozy for her and her friends. I might not be allowed to come hang out by the bonfire or say much at all to the boys who will be coming over, but either way, I love that I get to help with these fun events. I love that she trusts me enough to be chill when the day rolls around, and I love that her friends feel comfortable hanging out here, or even spilling the tea to me.
A lot of parents would probably say that I’m too lenient, that I say yes too often, that I should be more of a disciplinarian than a pal. But to be real, I’ve only watched my older child become more honest with me and more trustworthy as time goes on. She’s genuinely kind to me and carries her weight more and more around our home all the time. Truly, I don’t have many complaints. That gives me the confidence to keep solo parenting by my own rules — and no one else’s.
